Since we have had Oscar Humphryfoot The Third (and no he isn't really

a third I just like giving my animals full names so they feel

important), who is now 8 months old, he has done quite a doozy on our

house, and our arms, and our legs, and well just about anything he can

get his fangs and claws into.

Now you may ask, what makes Oscar think he is a dog? Well, I shall

explain for you, and you can be the judge.

1. Oscar actually walks on a leash, happily at that.

2. Oscar knows his name, and will come when you call him.

3. He greats you at the door with his tail actually wagging at you.

4. He looks at the world as one giant chew toy.

5. He nips at your ankles and tries to herd you like a sheep to

whatever area of the house he wants you in.

6. He eats people food.

7. He licks your hands and face like a dog.

Well, now that you know why I may have accidently acquired a dog mixed

with a leopard I will list all of the things my lovely Oscar has

destroyed.

*At least 8 rolls of toilet paper which he adamantly takes off the

roll and chews into tiny little pieces.

*Any tissue box, emptied.... If it is full he will happily empty it

for you.

*Our extremely expensive paintings, on the wall, which he thinks are

stairs, and claws and jumps and bites them. They are now hidden away

in our room.

*Bobby pins and hair ties.... He will eat them and rip them to shreds

until they are too bent to go into my hair, or have lost all their

elasticity.

*Every set of blinds in our house which are now broken, chewed, and no

longer go up and down... They just stay up to prevent further damage.

The cords are also shredded by acts of teeth and paws.

*Our couch.... Oscar feels that the couch is a sufficient snack when

we don't give him enough wet food. He will chew on it... Also he

thoroughly enjoys putting his claws in it and acting like a mountain

climber instead of jumping up which we know he can do.

*The one and only fake plant we have.... Which Oscar feels is his own

personal jungle, which has been chewed to shreds and is covered in

little fang marks.

*Our arms and ankles... Please don't look at all of the scabs, bite

marks, bruises, and scratches which illustrate a day in the life of a

crazed maniac. IF I am in his spot on the couch he will nudge and bite

me until I move...

*Anything you are trying to eat or drink. We have actually resorted to

using cups with lids like we are preschoolers because otherwise you

will have a head and then paws in your cup along with a giant mess to

clean up and a very wet, sticky Oscar to attempt to dry off. Your food

will be properly stolen from your plate, regardless of what it is and

how many times you try to get him away from it, and eaten, like a dog,

chomping away. Skip the begging and go right to the stealing.

*Please do not try and write anything in front of him. Your

handwriting will be illegible from the vicious attack on your writing

utensil. Which you will never see again because he will chew it and

hide it under the couch.

*If he is mad at you because you were gone too long you can count on

everything being pushed off of every shelf, any paper shredded to

bits, and pee some where in the house which you will later find when

you go to do something like put on a bra.... which now needs to be

washed in bleach.

*Please do not steal his food. You will no longer have a hand attached

at the end of your arm.